Letter From Ivanka to Her Children


The following letter was found, unsent, in a crumpled wastepaper basket in a New Jersey penthouse.

My Dearest Family,

My — what a summer! This world sure can be kooky sometimes, can’t it? I’m sure that, by now, one of your friends must have shown you the news in Virginia, but you know what Pop-Pop always says — that’s a bunch of fake leftist hooey! Isn’t Pop-Pop funny sometimes, saying all of those things he doesn’t mean? I’m sure, had we been there with him, we all would have had a good laugh at his jokes. You know what he always says: “I have the greatest grandjew-dren.” Hilarious!

There is a chance that, despite Viceroy Steve’s best efforts, you may have heard of these things called “Nazis” in school. Someone may have even told you about the “Holocaust.” You may even notice that they popped up not 100 miles from our home in D.C. You may have heard them making mean jokes about Daddy being “a filthy piece of Jew scum defiling Mommy”, and, if your agents really failed us, you may have seen Pop-Pop calling some of these same Nazis “fine people.” Isn’t that funny? He’s teaching us something, I’m sure — like when he used to make me host fashion shows for him and his friends to teach a “woman’s true power.” Pop-Pop just wants us to be kind and open to everyone. Even Nazis! How cool is that? And I’m sure there were some fine people in the Third Reich. I mean, just look at those uniforms. SWELL, right? The point is, Pop-Pop is joking, and, I think, so am I.

By the way — don’t think I’m ignoring your counselors’ notes about all the bullying. Just remember to keep your chin up! After all, people only chant “Jews will not replace us” because you guys are so darn talented. If you think really hard about it, so hard that it’s not really thinking at all, Pop-Pop’s friends are actually complementing you. Haters gonna hate, and Pop-Pop gonna Pop-Pop: no use trying to change the world overnight, right? Change is hard, even in the White House. If you’d read Mommy’s book like I told you, it’s right there in Chapter 6: Just Keep Smilin’! If you’ve forgotten that chapter, don’t worry — I packed several copies in your luggage.

Which reminds me: Mommy is going to go away for a while. Well, actually, you guys are going to go away from Mommy for a while. It’ll be just like a vacation! I’m sure I can convince your grandführer to let you back soon. So, so sure. Just like I convinced him to

Anyhoo, I’ve gotta run! It’s been hours, and you know how Pop-Pop gets when I don’t stay in shape. Don’t worry about your little trip: Daddy will be with you every step of the way, and, if you’re good, I’m sure he’ll even talk to you once or twice. And I’m sorry about all the “chores” Viceroy Steve has you doing. But at least the clothes you’ll be making are Mommy’s!

Don’t forget that I’ll be thinking of you, every single second of every single day, while I try to find a way out of this pickle I’ve gotten us in. Maybe, after he gets his pus drained, Pop-Pop will listen to his Little Princess again. I just know he will!

In the meantime, keep your new uniforms clean! Nothing matters so much as keeping up appearances, no matter how bad things seem. Just keep up appearances, children. Keep up appearances. At some point, it’s all you can do.


With Love,
Ivanka “Mommy” Trump

Keep this picture at camp to remember that Mommy is dead inside.

Keep this picture at camp to remember that Mommy is dead inside.

Nick GeislerComment