Be a Unique and Successful ______ By Doing Exactly What I Say
You — yes you! Do you get tired? Is life occasionally unfulfilling? Have you ever made a mistake? The truth is, these things only happen because you’re not doing exactly what I tell you to do. You’re not reaching your full potential. But that stops in 10 well-crafted, SEO-optimized steps. Let’s get started!
1. Don’t look into my resume. Instead, look into the resumes of the people whom I liberally quote, usually a mix of esoteric “entrepreneurs” and the sort of people you see on the walls of freshmen dorm rooms (Einstein, Steve Jobs, Tony the Tiger, etc.). It should be irrelevant that the person telling you how to be successful, original, and wildly successful is actually original or successful. That’s what quotes are for!
I always have a quotation for everything — it saves original thinking. — Dorothy L. Sayers
2. Understand that my morning routine is the only routine worth having.Wake up at 6:13 — science shows that 51% of the world’s most successful artists woke up on odd-numbered minutes. Any earlier and you’ll be sluggish by the afternoon golden hour (which is the best time for meditative self-reflection!), any later and you’ve basically thrown away your entire day you fat, lazy piece of shit.
3. Utilize the power of positive thinking. If put positive thoughts into the universe, the universe will reward your intention with whatever you wanted because magic. For example: imagine you have friends. Boom! You have a friend. Yeah, his name is Harvey, and he’s a giant rabbit, but that’s the power of intention right there.
4. Only do things that have concrete, measurable, successful outcomes. Don’t meditate for the fleeting but essential acceptance of your own irrelevance in a chaotic, random universe, recognizing that other people’s definitions of success are social boondoggles divorced from actual human happiness. Do it because it boosts creativity, reduces stress, and makes orgasms last 50% longer (evidence pending)!
5. Lie about your own success. It’s so easy! How do you think us self-help writers keep convincing people that we know what we’re talking about when we spend most of our days writing on Medium? While you’re at it, adopt an attitude of ironic self-importance that says, “what do I know? I’m only a successful writer/businessperson/14-year-old-Ukranian-content-farmer.”
6. Work really, really hard and never ever quit ever. Bet no one ever told you that, did they? Well that’s why I’m so successful and you’re not — because I work way harder than you. What, you don’t think so? Prove it. Hah! Now I really am working harder than you, you procrastinating, egotistical idiot. Checkmate.
7. Do you! Sound vague and condescending? That’s the self-help mantra right there, baby!
8. Endlessly stalk the biographies of people more successful than you.Who cares if everyone’s life story is infinitely nuanced and impossible to replicate? I bet that if you counted out exactly 40 coffee beans every morning like Hemingway did, you’d have written The Sun Also Rises first. Instead, you’re still ordering Starbucks like a fucking chump.
9. Feel bad about yourself and your station in life. Luckily, you’ve probably already done this step — it’s why you’re reading self-help articles in the first place. It’s my job to passive-aggressively make you feel like you’re not doing enough to take control of your own life, it’s your job to feel like a failure. So don’t stop now — I need you to buy my self-published book on Amazon.
Speaking of, you should sign up for my mailing list! Not that a mailing list is the point of this article or anything, but like, do it or you’ll never impress that cute dude across the hall or something.
10. Ignore this advice and follow your heart. And when that doesn’t work out, come read next week’s article: “How to Prevent Your Parents from Being Disappointed in You (Not that You Care or Anything).” Also, now you can’t sue me when none of this actually works.